At Let’s Heal Together, we believe that healing starts with understanding—and sometimes, that understanding begins with discovering parts of ourselves we didn’t have the words for until now. Recently, we’ve found ourselves diving deep into the topic of Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)—a profile of autism that’s often overlooked, misunderstood, or misdiagnosed.
As two late-diagnosed neurodivergent adults navigating life, love, and learning, we’re sharing our journey not as experts, but as fellow travelers. PDA might be part of our story—one of us (Ariel) is exploring the possibility of having it, and both of us (Ariel & Charissa) are learning how it shows up in our lives, relationships, and community.
This post is for you—whether you’re discovering PDA for the first time, wondering if it fits your experience, supporting a loved one, or just trying to understand neurodivergence a little better. We’re walking this road with you.
What is Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)?
Pathological Demand Avoidance, often shortened to PDA, is a profile that falls under the umbrella of autism. Originally identified in the 1980s by Dr. Elizabeth Newson, PDA is characterized by an intense resistance to everyday demands and expectations, often rooted in anxiety and a deep need for autonomy.
While PDA is not officially recognized in many diagnostic manuals (like the DSM-5), it is acknowledged and supported by organizations such as the PDA Society in the UK. It’s becoming more widely discussed in neurodivergent communities—especially among late-diagnosed autistic adults and parents of autistic children who don’t seem to fit typical autism profiles.
People with PDA aren’t being “difficult” or “defiant.” Instead, they experience anxiety-driven avoidance, which can make even simple requests—like brushing their teeth, answering a message, or joining a Zoom call—feel overwhelming or threatening to their sense of self-control.
How PDA Might Show Up in Everyday Life
Living with or loving someone with PDA might look like:
– Frequent avoidance of tasks, even ones they enjoy, when framed as a “must” or “should.”
– Creative or strategic excuses to delay or escape from expectations.
– Sudden mood shifts when under pressure.
– A need to feel in control of their environment, choices, or routines.
– High sensitivity to perceived authority or obligation.
– Masking or burnout after social situations or structured environments.
For us, PDA came into the conversation after noticing how certain requests or responsibilities—even ones we wanted to say “yes” to—sometimes triggered unexpected avoidance or shutdown. It wasn’t laziness. It wasn’t rebellion. It was a nervous system response tied deeply to how we’re wired.
PDA vs. “Defiance”: Understanding the Root
It’s important to recognize the difference between PDA and willful defiance. PDA isn’t about choosing not to comply—it’s about needing not to, often as a way to regulate internal distress or anxiety.
People with PDA can appear controlling or oppositional, especially in settings that don’t understand neurodivergence. But what’s actually happening is a protective mechanism: autonomy becomes the anchor in an unpredictable world. The more pressured someone feels, the more their nervous system may resist—even to things they logically want or enjoy.
Understanding this distinction can change everything. It shifts the conversation from “How do I make this person do the thing?” to “How do I help them feel safe enough to choose it?”
Our Personal Connection to PDA
Our journey into PDA didn’t start with a textbook—it started with confusion, curiosity, and a whole lot of self-reflection. Both of us (Ariel and Charissa) are neurodivergent, with ADHD and Autism, and we were diagnosed later in life, in our 30s. Like many late-diagnosed adults, we grew up without the language or support to understand why certain things felt harder, heavier, or more overwhelming than they seemed for others.
It was Ariel who first stumbled across PDA. Reading through articles and personal stories felt like looking into a mirror—finally, there was a name for the internal tug-of-war between wanting to do something and feeling utterly frozen by the pressure of being asked. There was a reason why even gentle expectations could trigger shutdowns or a desperate need to escape. It wasn’t a flaw. It wasn’t being “too sensitive” or “too much.” It was a nervous system responding to a demand as a threat.
Charissa isn’t sure if PDA fits her experience yet—but that’s okay. We’re learning together, holding space for one another as we unlearn the shame and self-judgment that often comes with not meeting others’ expectations. What matters most is not the label, but the awareness, compassion, and communication it opens up between us.
Ways to Support Yourself or a Loved One with PDA
Whether you think you may have PDA, or you love someone who does, here are a few ways to approach it with gentleness and intention:
1. Respect Autonomy.
Demands can feel threatening to someone with PDA—even when they’re internal. Reframing requests as invitations or collaborative choices can reduce anxiety.
2. Focus on Safety, Not Compliance.
The goal isn’t to get someone to “comply” with demands—it’s to co-create a space where they feel safe enough to engage.
3. Use Indirect Approaches.
Sometimes, a playful or creative workaround helps ease the pressure. Humor, storytelling, or role-playing can reduce the intensity of direct demands.
4. Practice Self-Compassion.
If you’re navigating PDA yourself, you are not broken or lazy. You are responding to a world that often doesn’t make space for how your brain works.
5. Learn Together.
Healing doesn’t happen in isolation. Read articles, watch videos, join conversations, and connect with others on the same path.
Let’s Open the Conversation
PDA is complex, layered, and deeply personal—and we’re still learning. Whether you see yourself in this post, know someone who might relate, or you’re just beginning to explore what it means, we hope you found something here that helped you feel more seen, curious, or connected.
We’d love to hear from you.
Do you resonate with aspects of PDA?
Have you supported someone with PDA, or are you learning how to support yourself?
What has helped you feel safe, understood, and empowered on your healing journey?
Drop your thoughts in the comments—we welcome your voice, your questions, and your story. As always, Let’s Heal Together means we grow through shared experience. Let’s keep holding space for each other, one honest conversation at a time.